“I don’t fucking need anyone! None of them want me, anyways.”
“Vivian, that makes no sense. You are gorgeous, smart…” she trailed off as if there were no more words to be found in describing me. Personally, I thought I was resilient, courageous, adventurous, brave, smart, intelligent, and beautiful. Gorgeous seem to be an overstatement but I’ll take it since she could only come up with two words.
I’m the one that everyone else calls when their relationships are on the rocks; whether it’s my parents, my friends, even my co-workers. I’m the one with the almighty advice and yet I can’t keep someone for more than a few months at a time. I toss them aside like they are trash once my satisfaction in orgasms becomes a boredom ride on the way to their happy ending. I was nothing to them and I wanted it to be that way, at least on the outside.
My skin is thick because the hurt is deep. When someone asks me about my past I cringe, that’s personal, not something they have privilege too. So where do I draw the line of being wanted and letting someone into my baggage without having to ever feel again?
This is where the argument sat with Wednesday. She wanted more, I wanted more of her and less of her knowing my past. I wasn’t ready to fight the part I had hidden by dick rides, cheesy dates, and kiki. Instead, I let Wednesday walk out as I became bitterly empty.
“Caroline, I’m more than gorgeous and smart,” I said in a slur.
“I know Viv.”
“Then why couldn’t you come up with something else? Anything under the sun. Without me, you wouldn’t…” I trailed off, without me, Caroline would have been fine, she would work her issues out with her guy and they still would have the happy go lucky life style. Caroline didn’t need me, just like the rest of the world. I was breaking under the damn numbness of alcohol and I hate that. “You wouldn’t need me.” I finally said as I mustered every last bit of strength and lifted myself off the couch.
“What happened?” her voice chasing after me down the hallway.
“I got too close, too far. Pick your poison, it’s likely the answer.”
I wanted to be close, but the doubt slithered into my mind. Last time I tried to let someone in it turned into a disaster. The fall of something good, turned into a blame game that I still carry, one more gash to my already fragile heart. But with Wednesday I really couldn’t put a finger on it, she just stopped being there after that night.