Wednesday, her radiant beauty gave me butterflies, but to plunge into an unknown territory head first felt like a huge task. Was she even into girls? Was I? Yes, I confess I was not completely sure if lady lumps where part of my cup of tea at first. But there was something different with her, I knew that I was attracted to women, but could I really accomplish the almighty?

She brought me back to a moment when innocents became curiosity and curiosity became a tightrope walk of acceptable and unacceptable. It was more of an internal struggle than a form of acceptance from the outside world that had me all up in a knot. She was cute, skin like porcelain, and eyes so wide that I swore the answer to life could be found if I stared long enough; in all context, she looked like a china doll, except for the grunge t-shirts and tight jeans. With group therapy, you learn more about a person in those few moments than you could possibly learn at a bar. You learn their worries, their struggles, their trauma; all parts we are trying to fix, heal, or hide. On the fifth night of mud slinging coffee conversations, I found myself starting to finally relax around her. Crushes seem to do weird things to our bodies and minds, it’s as if we have no control over either of them in their presences.

So after weeks of flirting, smiling and self-discovery I truly thought my crush would go nowhere and that instead of getting laid I found a new best friend. Until the day I got the text that stopped me dead in my tracks and she asked me out. I was going to get to know her past the pastel walls and folding chairs that were the jail cell of group therapy, but was it truly a date or was this just friendship?

We sat & talked about our week, complained about our therapist and the guy who cried after everyone’s turn as if he had just been handed a new load of crap to carry around. Personally, I don’t think group is his thing, but hey they tell us to keep coming back so he does. It felt more like two friends then the idea of possible girlfriends. By the end of the night, I had a slight buzz and felt more frustrated than like a worrier. Dating sucked whether it was with a man or woman, signals get crossed, expectations not always 100%; in reality, this is where feelings make the adventure worthless. Two glasses of wine in and I gave up hope, so I drowned out her voice to match the beat of the music which she talked about her mother. I threw in a few “uhhuhs” and “mhmm’s” just to make it sound like I cared. This wasn’t what I wanted, I didn’t need a new best friend. I wanted her mind and body, mostly her body.

The night ended and I was ready to split. Group was enough for me, my heart was broken from the built up imagery of hope with her. But it seems my signals were the ones that were crossed. She pulled me in close & planted a kiss on me. Not on the cheek, but right smack on my lips as a form of saying “Good Bye”. In shock, I didn’t know how to respond until the natural feeling took over and I felt my body slide down into her. This wasn’t a regular kiss, this was lightening bugs and daisies, soft and sweet. This was everything I had expected so many years before when I wasn’t sure what was natural or unnatural.

Wednesday was more than one night a week, she was every day of the week.

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